The Sunday before the BIG DAY! Not something I dread, rather something I embrace with new excitement and raw vigor, especially at the beginning of a new year. Jumping into a new workout routine, workout program in January, a natural part of my cycle.
My actions now, setting the tone for the year out ahead, so I like to start strong. I like to start focused. Moving with purpose. A distant goal, wrapped in multiple layers of smaller just as significant goals, that will become the stepping stones to my final masterpiece.
It has to do with the fact my out door life has quieted down for a few months. These winter days meant for more inward, deep searching, stretching, challenging growth. Allowed to fully blossom with the coming of the spring.
So this year, certainly more than any other, I look forward to beginning my new year, embracing my annual inward search for life giving energy. Any more, it’s gotten to be a pretty fascinating process for me to observe. Typically doing so, in more of a 3rd person vantage point, yet highly in tune to what is happening to my physical being in the process.
It truly does become a transformation. A donning of my cape if you will, and acknowledging my super hero abilities. We all have them. I’m not special in that way. What sets me a part has been my almost incessant search for higher levels of vibrational energy. That to me is the food that makes me human. That to me is the purpose for me being a live. To feel alive! And I refuse to settle for anything less.
God made me a little rebellious with a purpose. All you reading this who know me and are shaking your head “Yes!”, you know. You know exactly who I am. The person within who likes to challenge the status quo.
Well, this year, my motto is “Go Big or Go Home!” I’ve been talking my talk for many years now. Many good friends humoring me, most thinking she’s only just talk, but others knowing, “This girl is going to do all she has said she would and more.” That is just how I am wired to be.
Now its time to take this trail to its new beginnings. 2021, a year to make Dreams Become Reality! Clear your mind of any negative thoughts! Be the vessel of clear love-giving energy.
Be the Change! Feel Fabulous! Take Back Your Own Life! Renew Your Spirit! Feel Alive Again! Be Rebellious! Be Free! Be a Winner! Manifest! Set your intentions!
I know what I’ll be doing! Workouts begin tomorrow! Time to get back in alignment and raise the vibration!
Namaste my friends!
The more mature I get, the more firmly I believe that everything happens for a reason. That said, I learned a week and a half ago of what the real source of my anxiety was back on Monday, November 16th.
A highly intuitive empath, sometimes it gets tricky deciphering heavy emotions when they arise. And after all these years, I still sometimes forget that I usually feel the most intense emotions days, sometimes even weeks, before the cause of the emotion presents itself.
That all said, I got a phone call, a couple days before Thanksgiving from my oldest son. The long anticipated wedding was being called off, yet again. Not postponed this time, but put off for an indeterminate amount of time.
It seems the day I was experiencing all that anxiety, he was likely the source. Upon waking that day, the emails and phone calls starting coming in to him and his fiancé. They almost instantaneously had over 20 people back out, leaving the number down to 10, due to Covid, or Covid related reasons. Including the bride’s father who is a college basketball coach. (Her mother and grandmother already not on the guest list.)
At that point, they still planned on going ahead with the wedding. A work promotion for the bride-to-be, moving them both to London, England next April/May. Another postponement truly wasn’t an option. Talking to the venue, an extremely elegant 5 star resort, they continued to watch wedding plans fall apart. Management and staff having had a huge turnover in the wake of the pandemic, and all was in disarray. They truly felt the universe was telling them their Mexico wedding wasn’t meant to be.
A big blow for my daughter and I, especially initially. My 14 year old, holed up in our Oasis, isolated from the rest of the world homeschooling, definitely looking forward to some human interaction. Especially with her Godfather, her oldest brother, whom we rarely get to see. Soon to be seeing even less. (Looks like a trip to London may be in our future if international travel without the Covid vaccine exists at that time.)
As a mom, it took awhile to wrap my mind around the newest development from one of my fabulous children. Never leaving a moment for dullness in my life. The twists and turns coming easier with time, as I realize everything truly does happen for a reason.
Hearing near tears in my grown son’s voice, having regret for the latest change in their hard fought wedding plans, temporarily put on hold. Him feeling deeply unhappy about disappointing his sister, these were words I shared. Everything does truly happen for a reason. We might not be able to understand when it happens, but given time, the pieces all come together and begin to make sense.
A justice of the peace wedding to happen sometime before they make the big move. (And I thought Hollywood was far away!) The wedding for family and friends to attend, not to occur for at least another year now.
That all said, my daughter and I still had resort reservations and airline flights we had already changed once. The resort said guests would have a 12 month credit if they decided to change their plans. But, my thought is, things are only going to get worse before they get better. We are able to go now. I think we should. Not to mention, the disappointment of my daughter if all plans got canceled. And, the fact I was looking forward to some sand and sun.
Everything for a reason! It really has had me pondering, WHY are my daughter and I (along with one other son and his girlfriend) the only ones left going to Mexico?
Me, never having a huge desire to vacation there to begin with, especially since the early 2000’s when all the drug cartel problems started becoming so prevalent. But, when I researched Xcaret, I learned it was different than most cities in the country. A place I became increasingly more curious to see, not only because of the beautiful beaches and the incredibly breath-taking terrain, but the ancient history of the Mayan people. Something I had done an extensive study of back in 2012, with the end of the Mayan calendar.
I have spent the last 2 weeks moving through the anxiety. Watching pieces fall in place. Having beautiful Magickal moments happen around me only reassuring me that, Yes, we are meant to take this trip alone. NEVER a trip I would have initiated on my own. NEVER a resort I would have chosen, living much more humbly.
A little bit extra cash had found its way into my life when initially booking the resort last winter. I decided we would splurge and get one of their elegant “swim out” suites, and that unlike most, we would stay 7 nights instead of 3.
As the countdown of days begins to turn into a countdown of hours, excitement and anticipation builds and mounts. I feel the spirit world calling me. Making me very aware something deeply profound is going to happen once I get my anxious self and my daughter safely to our resort.
Strong emotions well up inside, as I imagine a week from now us having already spent several days in this beautiful tropical haven. What adventure awaits? What mystery lies ahead? So many unknowns as this trip turns into something so unlike anything it was originally planned to be.
I continue making preparations. Making sure all is cared for that needs to be, both at home and abroad. Anticipation looming and excitement building with the Mystery out ahead. My life (and that of my daughter) about to change forever for the positive, as I am aware … the Revolution Begins With Me.
The clock is ticking down to what is certain to be the epic climax, not only to what has been the most fabulous year for me personally, but also one of the most memorable moments for any mother.
My eldest son, and his fiancé, who live in Hollywood, (not in the profession-but perfect place for my one time thespian son to find himself) and whom I very seldom get to see, (going on three years now), have their rescheduled wedding planned for December 11th, in Excaret, Mexico.(Fingers crossed it doesn’t get cancelled again.)
I should be excited, overjoyed, elated, but instead, the last week I find myself each morning running from, at times, the most suffocating sensation of anxiety.
One time, never an emotion I ever even experienced, free spirit open and uninhibited to all challenges. After my six year “sentence,” otherwise known as my life in Oklahoma City, and all the stress and trauma that was inflicted, from the nursing profession, but also because of the issues and behaviors I was dealing with from my youngest son at the time, it became an immobilizing sentiment.
Fifteen years to heal and move past what I thought was all of it, clearing my psyche of so much negative baggage, these moments are taking me quite by surprise. Each moment, this sensation in the pit of my chest trying to choke me of life. Rob me of the enjoyment of anticipation.
I know this is the last go round though. I know once I make it through this, that chapter of my life will be closed forever. Moving on to much more beautiful and creative times, way beyond my wildest imagination.
The key now though, … is getting there.
A little more than three weeks to go! Departure date, December 9th, approaching quickly. Suitcase on the spare bed, already starting to be packed. I am trying to alleviate any last minute flare ups by being as prepared as I can be.
Once I’m there, I know it will be one of the most fabulous moments of my lifetime. Spent with my daughter, who is traveling with me, and one of my other sons and his girlfriend. The other son in the Navy, unable to get away. Five days with my family on the Gulf of Mexico, in the most glorious setting, participating in my eldest son’s wedding, sure to be magickal.
My primary goal at hand is to keep my nerves calm and my mind at ease. My plan of action, be at peace. Live in the moment.
I have made arrangements for care of all of the animals in our Oasis. Have plans to stay with my stepson and wife near the airport the night before. Checked and rechecked my flight schedule and baggage and covid restrictions. Everything that physically needs to be done is taken care of.
Beyond that, start my day with meditation and prayer.
Write every morning, either in my journal, or in my blog. Keeps my nerves calm.
Don’t place unnecessary expectations on myself. Do only that which absolutely needs to be done. Don’t procrastinate in doing it.
Eat as healthy and “clean” as I can. Which to me means no caffeine, (gave up my daily cup of coffee last week), cut out all sugar, and no alcohol. Also, drink my daily intake of water-at least 8 cups.
Pay attention to the world around me. And enjoy the beauty in nature. I type this as I watch two white tailed deer leaping up the hill behind my now bare Mystical Forest. There to perhaps remind me to be gentle and kind not only to others, but perhaps more importantly, to myself.
Exercise daily. Typically meaning to get to the gym to lift weights. But, yoga, and cardio are thrown in the mix as well. Usually everyday. Usually in a varied combination, including a walk through our Oasis when the weather is permissive.
Be creative. Do the things that bring me joy, whether it is cooking or cross-stitch, late fall garden work, decorating the house for the holidays. All the things that inspire and uplift.
In other words, Nurture my mind, body, and soul in all ways I know how.
This will pass, and on the other side, I will have grown stronger and my soul will be even more at peace. Best of all, I will be sitting on the white sandy beaches of southeast Mexico, thanking God for all the beautiful blessings be has bestowed upon me.
For I don’t need to be perfect. I am human, my range of emotions making it so. I will be as kind and as loving as I can be to all, most especially myself. For I know, life is one crazy magickal ride, and I need to make the most of it because … The Revolution Begins With Me.
Feeling more like a rant on a final winter break day. A release of tensions that I hold within. Thirty-three years of what has amounted to mostly single-parenting of children under the age of 18, with 4 more to go before my youngest graduates.
The six years in between marriages, before starting over with a second husband and a brand new baby at age 41, the most draining and damaging to my psyche. A time when I was to enter an extremely Dark Night of the Soul.
A time I would eventually come to realize I had to live through, to help me understand what it is that allows me to truly preserve my mental sanity and inner being.
To focus now on what works, what helps me nourish myself, and keeps me recharged so I can pick up and move further down the road.
There is absolutely no way I could have done what I have done, first and foremost, without exercise and a healthy organic diet as a way of life.
When my youngest son was two, I started exercising (31 years ago). Never an active or athletic person as a child. Quite the opposite. Food was my comfort back then. It also was my nemesis.
The way I felt in my youth, taught me as a mother exactly how I did not want to feel. So, a move to the country, and my best friend’s wedding on the horizon, the beginning of a new life style originated.
Four years later, after the birth of my second son, helping me to deal with ongoing illness, bodybuilding entered my life. It was during this period that I really had an opportunity to look a bit deeper into my psyche and get to know me as a person.
Sudden immense grief, dealing with my father’s suicide at the age of 30, and getting through my final semester of nursing school in college, bodybuilding sustained me.
It is a life I have known ever since. Exposed to a deeper part of myself, a part foreign to most, especially back in the day. Back before organic eating was a thing. Back before the fitness craze really began to take off. Back before major egos were as deeply instilled in the American way of life, I discovered a sense of me.
A sense of me, that began as a young woman of 26. I would fight tooth and nail to hang on to her … and then to retain … when the dark forces won out and finally completely took me down.
Rebuilding that person, regaining that spirit, I knew I would rise bigger and stronger, for that is how we are created. “What doesn’t kill us, will only make us stronger.” My children my driving force, possessing a strong awareness of their psyches, I knew they needed to make it to solid ground before I finally would.
Big deep sigh of relief last year as my “baby boy” age 23, my biggest challenge, and grandest reward, would let me know he had finally made it. Digging into his deeper sense of self and joining the United States Navy. Not an easy task, as his choices and personal history through high school would continue to haunt him.
With each monumental success he found last year though, I found more and more of myself back. Healing and recovering that person I had so long ago met. Her, but then so much more, for I could never go back to the person I had been. It was more a matter of completely, consciously rebuilding and keeping the pieces and parts that worked.
Exercise, fitness, lifting, yoga, and clean healthy eating the ultimate, but not only key, for me opening my door to new found success.
Now, with the dawn of a new year, I begin with an exhausted, but renewed sense of direction. Trying to keep balance and focus as I look out on a brand new horizon, and wonder how life, my life, no longer sculpted out for me by others, will begin to manifest itself.
I don’t need answers now. I just need to know I am finally back. Back on the right road, and this time I have three strong, confident men (no longer boys) and a beautiful young daughter who will provide me strength along the way. Negative energy left behind.
I will rant on paper, or computer, and I will release my frustration and tension through my workouts, surrounded by the people that build me up.
I have reclaimed my sense of self, never to be lost again. That doesn’t mean that every day I will feel energized and amazing, but it does mean that I have won.
I have taken on the darkness and survived, for that is who I am, a fighter, a healer, a tenacious free-spirit. One that will from here on out keep her eyes focused forward and learn from her mistakes. Sitting and resting when I need to. Picking up the pieces and moving forward when ready.
I know I have made it … for the Revolution Begins With Me.