The Rant I Knew Was Coming!

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I put it out there the other day, that what I wrote was my “mother’s rant”, but true to fashion, as I know myself, what I feel always comes a couple days before the actual event.

Today, is in fact the day my “Rant” has bubbled to the surface. And, it has done so for several different reasons. First, and foremost on my list though, is an extremely sad loss that I learned of yesterday.

I consider myself very blessed to have grown up in the area I did, during the time that I did, around the people that I did. Not that I would say I was really close to them at the time, but I was very aware that collectively we had something very unique, very special, and quite rare.

That being said, when my BFF of 50 plus years, was on her return home texting spree, after a funeral for her husband’s family member a couple states away, and she sent me a screen shot from a closed class Facebook account, regarding a classmate whose 26 year old son had “passed” the day before, I was beyond deeply saddened.

It had been bad enough, the few times last year when posts came across that we had lost members of our class of 144, which graduated in the year of 1983, but to think that one of them had just lost a child, was heartbreaking.

After the screenshot she sent, she sent me a more personal, and acutely disturbing text message from another classmate, as they both had children who were good friend’s with the deceased.

The cause of death was unknown, but the situation in which this young man was found, dying in his sleep, after an unsuccessful attempt at CPR. having a history of depression, anxiety, and alcohol problems broke my heart.

Beginning to write this, on a day that held immensely painful memories for myself, memories I have finally been able to free myself of after 15 long painful years, the news hit me really hard.

The “Elephant in the Room,” that no one wants to talk about, but everyone is finally growing more concerned of, due to its sky-rocketing occurrences, at younger and younger ages, is depression and worse, suicide. (Not at all saying that was what this was.)

Why someone would, or could, do such a thing, such as taking their own life, is something I understand way too well.

Not only losing my father in this manner, but fearing for many years that my youngest son would head down a similar road, and also having grappled with periods of depression myself, it’s a topic I am familiar with on a profound level.

Some time after losing my dad, back in 1994, working as a critical care nurse, and seeing several suicide attempts coming in on a weekly basis, I had heard, or read, that depression was due to an emptiness within the psyche, or the spiritual self. Being a free-spirit, and being conscious of a world most weren’t, these words spoke to me.

Especially back then, the “material” age, leading into the new millennium, with the “millennials,” totally wrapped in ego-living and pure self-gratification, the thought of spirit had all but been extinguished from the American language.

It seems that, not until the last several years, has there really started to be a resurgence of the huge role spirit plays in one’s life. Or, how, with people who suffer from depression, and other mental illness, the complete absence of the role of lack of spirit as a cause exists.

People can, and will scoff, at what I write, but I write from a place of KNOWING. A place of not just watching and observing on a daily basis, but from a place of experiencing on a personal level.

We hear endlessly about chemical imbalances, and the use of pharmaceuticals as the answer. Absolutely, yes, this plays a role, but where is the discussion of the spirit? And, the spiritual emptiness within people’s lives that lead to addictions of every type imaginable? Why mental health problems are truthfully mushrooming off the chart?

I say what I say from a personal perspective. My dad committed suicide because his was lost, broken and empty inside. Possessing a spirit, that I remember from an early age, was alive and full of energy. Full of excitement for life, and the natural aspects of the world, one’s connection to Mother Earth.

He instilled all of this energy, compassion, and love of nature into me as a child. Something I would tap more into and begin to understand in my early years of motherhood.

Depression would raise its ugly head during periods of my life, when the deeper, spiritual side of me, was not being fed. Then, when my youngest son started to profoundly grapple with the dark side of his psyche, I became very aware that I needed to dig deeper within myself to find answers for me, so that I could find answers for him.

It was only in reconnecting with all the things that fed my spirit, that fed my soul; music, movement, and Mother Earth, that healing was allowed, and the sensations of depression would be completely shed.

During that time, as the darkness within our country descended, depression and mental health issues continued to climb, with the number of suicides escalating, happening at younger and younger ages.

Our country becoming entirely spiritually devoid of any positive energy, as people became morosely engrained in the material, ego-based way of living we had been indoctrinated into, being exposed to more and more degenerative ways of living, as if they were the norm, as if we were somehow advancing as a human race by doing so.

It saddens my heart that we have had to come to this place.  But, on the positive side of humanity, it is when things get bad enough for more and more people, that gradually, slowly, the masses begin to wake up.

As the multitude stop looking outside themselves for answers, and finally start doing the hard, but much needed work of looking within, reconnecting with one’s own spirit, that we begin to see change.

We are a long way from turning the “Titanic” around, but we are at the place of a new beginning. A Spiritual Awakening on the horizon, as mankind starts to reclaim all that is natural and humane. For, it is only in owning all that we possess within, the good, the bad, and most especially the ugly, that the shift will occur.

It is only in owning our frailties and imperfections as humans, it is only in not comparing ourselves to one another, but celebrating our uniqueness, it is only in not expecting perfection out of ourselves, and God forbid our children, and it is only in facing our fears head on, that we begin to make the much needed shift in healing ourselves, and then our planet.

A Spiritual Awakening is on the horizon. A claim to take back Self and the beauty that each one of us holds within. A new dawn awaits, as we begin to lift ourselves, and then each other, out of the dark abyss we have allowed our country, our planet, to become lost within.

This I know, and I will do all I can on my part … for the Revolution Begins With Me.

Keeping My Sanity

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Feeling more like a rant on a final winter break day. A release of tensions that I hold within. Thirty-three years of what has amounted to mostly single-parenting of children under the age of 18, with 4 more to go before my youngest graduates.

The six years in between marriages, before starting over with a second husband and a brand new baby at age 41, the most draining and damaging to my psyche. A time when I was to enter an extremely Dark Night of the Soul.

A time I would eventually come to realize I had to live through, to help me understand what it is that allows me to truly preserve my mental sanity and inner being.

To focus now on what works, what helps me nourish myself, and keeps me recharged so I can pick up and move further down the road.

There is absolutely no way I could have done what I have done, first and foremost, without exercise and a healthy organic diet as a way of life.

When my youngest son was two, I started exercising (31 years ago). Never an active or athletic person as a child. Quite the opposite. Food was my comfort back then. It also was my nemesis.

The way I felt in my youth, taught me as a mother exactly how I did not want to feel. So, a move to the country, and my best friend’s wedding on the horizon, the beginning of a new life style originated.

Four years later, after the birth of my second son, helping me to deal with ongoing illness, bodybuilding entered my life. It was during this period that I really had an opportunity to look a bit deeper into my psyche and get to know me as a person.

Sudden immense grief, dealing with my father’s suicide at the age of 30, and getting through my final semester of nursing school in college, bodybuilding sustained me.

It is a life I have known ever since. Exposed to a deeper part of myself, a part foreign to most, especially back in the day. Back before organic eating was a thing. Back before the fitness craze really began to take off. Back before major egos were as deeply instilled in the American way of life, I discovered a sense of me.

A sense of me, that began as a young woman of 26. I would fight tooth and nail to hang on to her … and then to retain … when the dark forces won out and finally completely took me down.

Rebuilding that person, regaining that spirit, I knew I would rise bigger and stronger, for that is how we are created. “What doesn’t kill us, will only make us stronger.” My children my driving force, possessing a strong awareness of their psyches, I knew they needed to make it to solid ground before I finally would.

Big deep sigh of relief last year as my “baby boy” age 23, my biggest challenge, and grandest reward, would let me know he had finally made it. Digging into his deeper sense of self and joining the United States Navy. Not an easy task, as his choices and personal history through high school would continue to haunt him.

With each monumental success he found last year though, I found more and more of myself back. Healing and recovering that person I had so long ago met. Her, but then so much more, for I could never go back to the person I had been. It was more a matter of completely, consciously rebuilding and keeping the pieces and parts that worked.

Exercise, fitness, lifting, yoga, and clean healthy eating the ultimate, but not only key, for me opening my door to new found success.

Now, with the dawn of a new year, I begin with an exhausted, but renewed sense of direction. Trying to keep balance and focus as I look out on a brand new horizon, and wonder how life, my life, no longer sculpted out for me by others, will begin to manifest itself.

I don’t need answers now. I just need to know I am finally back. Back on the right road, and this time I have three strong, confident men (no longer boys) and a beautiful young daughter who will provide me strength along the way. Negative energy left behind.

I will rant on paper, or computer, and I will release my frustration and tension through my workouts, surrounded by the people that build me up.

I have reclaimed my sense of self, never to be lost again. That doesn’t mean that every day I will feel energized and amazing, but it does mean that I have won.

I have taken on the darkness and survived, for that is who I am, a fighter, a healer, a tenacious free-spirit. One that will from here on out keep her eyes focused forward and learn from her mistakes. Sitting and resting when I need to. Picking up the pieces and moving forward when ready.

I know I have made it … for the Revolution Begins With Me.

Pushing ‘Reset’ For the Year

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Never someone who’s liked to make New Year’s resolutions, I prefer to practice certain life style choices, honing in tighter as the seasons change.

The beginning of a new year though, always the most significant time of reevaluation. What worked and what didn’t over the past year? Refocusing on my life’s direction and goals that I have set in all areas of my life.

This year, one of my goals is to dive deeper into the spiritual practice of yoga, following the guidance of one of my most inspiring yogis, Seane Corn. Her new book, Revolution of the Soul: Awakening To Love Through Raw Truth, Radical Healing, and Conscious Action, opening my eyes even wider to the power of what one person’s actions and thoughts can accomplish

It is with the 8 Limbs of Yoga, more specifically the 5 Koshas, that I reevaluate my life’s practices and disciplines.

The Physical or Food Body

From a physical viewpoint, this is our bones, muscles, joints, and  tissues. One aspect of caring for the Physical body means focusing on eating habits.

Taking in only clean, organic, earth friendly foods, I still follow my life long bodybuilding diet, which consists of high protein white meat, fish, and free-range eggs, carbohydrates with a high glycemic index, (sweet potatoes, winter squash, brown rice, ect.), a variety of green leafy vegetables, and dairy, primarily in the form of milk.

And, of course, WATER! The most essential nutrient. Something I am always trying to be more cognizant of, especially this time of year.

Food to me, also means that which my mind and spirit are ingesting. Being diligent of the negative I am exposed to in my life, cognizant of the people, thoughts, and words that I allow into my space.

Being focused on my body keeps me in the present moment, grounded in my experiences, and able to investigate what I am experiencing physically. (A key factor in events that are currently unfolding in my life.)

The Energy Body

The Physical Body covers the Energy Body, it is composed of the subtle life-force energy called prana, also known as Chi in Traditional Chinese Medicine. It is the vitalizing force behind every atom, cell, organ, and body system.

Prana coordinates every physiological activity, from pumping the heart to the elimination of waste. Imbalances or blocks within this energetic body greatly affect the overall functioning of the physical body.

Refocusing on the vigilance of my habits and diet, including getting more fresh air and being out in the sunshine – which is the ultimate source of prana – will help me stay sharp and focused, increasing my energy level, (keeping me sane after 33 years of having children under the age of 18, with 4 more years to go), and stabilize my mood and ability to be open and more receptive.

The Mental Body

One’s third layer of being, ones Mental Body, relates to the Central Nervous System. It corresponds to one’s mind and emotions and is expressed as one’s thoughts, feelings, and sensations.

One’s breathing is highly connected to one’s state of being, why Prana is vital to a person’s overall state of well being.

Something I never really gave thought to as a bodybuilder, though something I focused on every time I lifted. Yoga helped me to understand the importance in what I had been doing and helped me grow more diligent in my practice.

Asana, the yoga movements, and/or my days in the gym, help me move any agitation out of my mind and into my body so I can identify it and release. This, something definitely neglected in my life over the past several months as events had me focused in other areas. Perhaps, one of the most significant places I need to be placing my attention moving into the new year.

The Wisdom Body 

The Wisdom Body is your inner knowing. Through coordinating breath with movement one becomes more present in the moment. This synchronizes the physical, energetic, and mental bodies. Only through time and these practices have I been able to attain a more internal awareness of my Wisdom Body.

Underneath ones endless stream of thoughts, feelings, and sensations lies an inner knowing and higher intelligence.  Your intuition, conscience, and the reflective aspects of  your consciousness are all parts of your wisdom body.

Through decades of lifting, and years of yoga practice, greater awareness and deeper insight into the nature of who I am, and how I relate to the world around me, are being attained.

Another one of my bigger goals this year, to work on keeping my mind quieted to discover an even deeper sense of self, guiding me further down the road of manifesting my visions.

Through meditation and quiet reflection, I hope to engage further my wisdom body, or discerning mind. Through focusing on my breathing in and out from my heart, and reading more spiritual texts- the food that nourishes my soul- this area of my being will ever continue to expand and grow.

The Bliss Body 

This is the subtlest of the energy bodies and is connected to our awareness with our highest Self or Spirit. It is the deepest layer of our being and the core of our existence. Our bliss body is where we experience the unbounded freedom, expanse, and joyousness of our true nature.

The Bliss Body is one I tap into when I work out, when I dance, whilst writing, and any time out in nature. It’s like a coming  home. There is a sense of peace and connectedness during which time ceases to exist and consciousness expands beyond the limits of my body.

This place I may not have put words too, but I know I have found in our Oasis, the little piece of heaven we have carved out for our home. The key for me, and another of this year’s foci, to learn how to tap into and sustain this a bit longer when going out in the outside world.

Moving Forward

I have always said, if I am not growing and learning, I don’t want to be living. Moving past a place of healing, I strongly embrace the passion I hold within for life, and look forward to the adventure this year takes me on, for it will certainly take me deeper into the expanse known as Self. Excitement abounds as I move further along the road less traveled … for Revolution Begins With Me.

 

My Rant in Stormy February

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Brainwashing has been complete.

Raised Catholic and forced from every angle to conform, except my dad who questioned also. Having children of my own. Teaching them the most important tool is to “know thyself.” As young men now, they show me the power of what that means.

Regathering strength as I move forward with publishing my memoir, The Advocate, what I thought was a story of my journey as a nurse, and where healthcare in this country has gone, and descends further. Finding an agent, following her direction, took me deep into the world of Truth.

Trying to wrap my mind around the lifetime of lies. Cognitive Dissonance. People don’t want to wake from their empty little worlds. Dumbing down a success.

The warriors and lightkeepers rising though. An awakening is on the forefront. My insight and knowledge tells me there’s going to be a connection to 2021. The 100 year anniversary of the Tulsa Race Riots.

https://www.history.com/topics/roaring-twenties/tulsa-race-riot

We’ve been manipulated/ groomed for quite some time for a replay in history. The purposeful division between the country with a large assist from Main Stream Media, the hatred brewing, being stewed. Hate groups being funded by government fractions.

How could this horrific event have happened with the majority of the country unaware? Uneducated? Even after having a black president? If he really wanted to help his race, and those of minorities, he could have shined a light into one of homeland America’s darkest and dirtiest little secrets.

One thing is for certain, we are living in historical times. The choices people make now, including lack of choice, lack of awareness, will decide which side of the aisle they are on.

As Mark Twain said,
“In the beginning of a change the patriot is a scarce man, and brave, and hated and scorned. When his cause succeeds, the timid join him, for then it costs nothing to be a patriot.”

Make It Happen

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The beginning of this year, my vision was, go through my book for one last edit. Once I had finished, my life would forever be drastically changed. (In a good way.) The last part of my book, getting out of Oklahoma and its world of darkness, what I title ‘RECOVERY, my eyes hadn’t seen in over 5 years.

Five years of release, healing, and recovery after moving out to the country. Our mystical sanctuary had allowed me to grow and stretch in new and unimaginable ways. It was time to pick my book back up and write its new ending.

Initially, I found an agent almost immediately who had been interested in representing me. She gently suggested the direction I needed to pursue. She told me I would never do something so difficult in my life. The thing she hadn’t understood was that living what I had was the most difficult thing I could do in my life. Reliving it would be painful, but ultimately freeing.

It had been a long cathartic process. Taking way longer than I ever could have imagined, but more significantly, taking me to places I never could have fathomed. I needed that time to just breathe once it had been completed.

After taking the summer off for a reprieve, I picked my book back up about a month ago to finish and bring it on home. Going back in to places I hadn’t visited in years, and thoughts that had been allowed to leave my conscious mind, this time around was empowering.

Counting down the chapters I have left to edit … 18 currently … it’s been a slow gradual release. Finding gems as I did today, flame the embers of my passion for writing. Now, is the time to MAKE IT HAPPEN.

Teresa Hartnett, thank you for your kind words and your belief in me.

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Revolution Begins With Me

Waking My Inner Warrior

My last 12 years were spent slowly crawling out of a dark hole dug for me during a six year “prison sentence” working as a critical care nurse in the state of Oklahoma. I vowed upon departure that I would write the story of all I had witnessed.

My home state is Minnesota and the two healthcare systems couldn’t have been more polarized.

My book is a memoir, The Advocate. It is the story of my spiritual journey as a mother, critical care nurse, and amateur bodybuilder.

I found an agent interested in publishing my book after writing the first version (there have been several.) She directed me down an unexpected twisting road as I went in search of truth and a deeper spiritual meaning.

I allowed my search and my writing. to take on a life of its own. Never, from the world I grew up in, and the world I was leaving, could I have imagined where it would take me.

Three years later, I finished the second version. My book had taken on a whole new meaning and purpose. After several more rewrites, it was time to set it aside. What I had uncovered had left my head spinning and I certainly was in no place to publish.

Nursing had been the one place, other than with my children, my spiritual being was given freedom, as I cared for the critically ill and traumatized patients, young and old, in intensive care. That was brutally stripped from me in Oklahoma.

The world around me allowed me to be anything I wanted, except the free spirit God made me to be. Moving forward with publishing is about claiming my free will and spirit back with even more potent courage and confidence.

Healthcare in this country has to do with anything but helping sick people. The final nail was put in the coffin when the so called Affordable HealthCare Act was implemented, Americans need to grow concerned. They need to wake up to the atrocities that surround us in all factions of life.

The United States is in a Code Blue situation and as a trained professional I will do my part to help keep her alive. I don’t like what surrounds us so I am calling for change, for the Revolution Begins With Me.