Putting My Cape Back On

Let the Sculpting Process Commence! My own personal science experiment!

The Sunday before the BIG DAY! Not something I dread, rather something I embrace with new excitement and raw vigor, especially at the beginning of a new year. Jumping into a new workout routine, workout program in January, a natural part of my cycle.

My actions now, setting the tone for the year out ahead, so I like to start strong. I like to start focused. Moving with purpose. A distant goal, wrapped in multiple layers of smaller just as significant goals, that will become the stepping stones to my final masterpiece.

It has to do with the fact my out door life has quieted down for a few months. These winter days meant for more inward, deep searching, stretching, challenging growth. Allowed to fully blossom with the coming of the spring.

So this year, certainly more than any other, I look forward to beginning my new year, embracing my annual inward search for life giving energy. Any more, it’s gotten to be a pretty fascinating process for me to observe. Typically doing so, in more of a 3rd person vantage point, yet highly in tune to what is happening to my physical being in the process.

Embrace your fear! Step through it!

It truly does become a transformation. A donning of my cape if you will, and acknowledging my super hero abilities. We all have them. I’m not special in that way. What sets me a part has been my almost incessant search for higher levels of vibrational energy. That to me is the food that makes me human. That to me is the purpose for me being a live. To feel alive! And I refuse to settle for anything less.

God made me a little rebellious with a purpose. All you reading this who know me and are shaking your head “Yes!”, you know. You know exactly who I am. The person within who likes to challenge the status quo.

Well, this year, my motto is “Go Big or Go Home!” I’ve been talking my talk for many years now. Many good friends humoring me, most thinking she’s only just talk, but others knowing, “This girl is going to do all she has said she would and more.” That is just how I am wired to be.

Now its time to take this trail to its new beginnings. 2021, a year to make Dreams Become Reality! Clear your mind of any negative thoughts! Be the vessel of clear love-giving energy.

Be the Change! Feel Fabulous! Take Back Your Own Life! Renew Your Spirit! Feel Alive Again! Be Rebellious! Be Free! Be a Winner! Manifest! Set your intentions!

I know what I’ll be doing! Workouts begin tomorrow! Time to get back in alignment and raise the vibration!

Namaste my friends!

It’s About the Energy

A super hero lies within each and everyone of us!

It was obvious from birth I was different from most my age. Weighing in at 9 lbs. 15 oz. and 23 inches long, I was big.

Not stopping there, I continued to grow, until I was 5′ 9″ and 11 years old. Not remarkably tall for an adult woman, but awkwardly tall at that age.

It wasn’t only my height that set me apart though. It was my brain and the way it functioned, received, and processed data.

Aware I was always a visual learner, it wasn’t until adulthood and the birth of my oldest son that I really began to analyze the lenses I used to look at the world.

Knowing we were painfully similar at times, I began searching out answers to nurture his gifts at a really young age.

Energy…powers the world!
What type of energy will you contribute?

The word “energy” started presenting itself in many formats. One that would become a constant in my life as a mother, was “Your son is extremely high energy! He’s non-stop hyper. His mouth is never silent.”

Yes!! This was all quite accurate, but buried deep within that hyperactive, uniquely verbal, unsilencable tornado was a highly intelligent, profoundly gifted child. It became my mission to seek out ways for him to best be understood, and the other 3 children that followed as well.

In my early years, especially as a nurse, I had bought into the whole ADD/ADHD diagnosis. Now I know many of the psych diagnosis are only there to help Western medicine physicians categorize and medicate phenomenon that don’t make sense in this unnatural world.

Time, and critical nurse analysis, have caused me to come to the conclusion its not the individual that is “disordered,” its our society.

Our society is so out of balance with its natural order, that these children, and adults, who were born more tuned into their natural environment, are out of rhythm, out of sync with the false paradigm orchestrated around us.

I knew I was going against the grain back then, but I set out with a new intent. To raise my children so that society DOES NOT strip them of their spirit’s and the spiritual gifts bestowed upon them.

That conscious decision as a young adult has completely altered the way I look at life. I began to turn more inward, to my unique extraordinary self.

I DID see things differently, and having gone through a period where I had healed significant childhood scars, even more ENERGY was bestowed upon me.

It became my life’s high, seeking out opportunities where I could get that solid self-gratifying energy rush.

I knew a primary source was caring for others; my patients, their families, my children. People would ask how I could do what I did, give so freely from my heart, and my response was, “I do it for selfish reasons.” Because doing so makes me feel better.

Flash forward 30 years, and my initial discovery of “energy” has grown exponentially. Now it has other words I may use to describe it; chi, Prahna, Holy Spirit, ect. The life force that truly makes us human. The life force that is purposefully being drained from humanity. (But that’s a whole other article.)

Any more, at my age, absolutely everything I do, and all that I see is “energy” focused.

Decades ago, gradually leaving the world of 3-dimensional living, moving more directly into a 5-dimensional paradigm, with my visual acuity the strongest in the non-physical realms. Frequencies of higher consciousness that many might argue aren’t even real, I am capable of seeing as clear as any sun-filled day.

Consciously knowing that all I do is focused on cultivating and harvesting energy. In other words, living in the world of art and creativity. Whether its gardening, writing, crafting, nurturing a pet or family member, exercising. All that I do ends with the result of positive energy generated. And, in doing so, keeps me on a positive upward growth curve.

Knowingly, those skills and talents had been focused on my own self-healing, and that of my family for quite some time.

Last year, the first year to break that cycle. All “energy” generated was poured into my new creative sense of being, knowing my day to step up on a bigger platform was almost at hand.

The by-product of years of tending my fields for their best harvests paying off. There was nothing but bright lights and wide open spaces out in front of me.

I see this as no chance coincidence, the vision I had always shared with my sons, “We will be climbing above, when everyone else has fallen,” having come true. Though, never could I have imagined it so literally. Yet, I know God has prepared me for this time.

My Light within emitting more radiance than it ever has. The power of that energy just beginning to make itself known.

It’s all in the “Energy”. Staying aware of it, and moving it in the right direction. The time for me now … to take it over the top!

I know I have crazy talents lying dormant within me. The truth is, the majority of us do. The truth is the majority of us will never discover the great wealth we carry within because we’re so busy chasing material wealth, the novelties in 3-dimensional living.

A new paradigm has opened though. A new vision of the planet beginning to take shape. Each day more and more individuals waking up to that which has lied dormant within for a lifetime.

I move forward … my heart calm, my soul at peace, knowing inside me lies the power to change the world … and the drive to do so. I step out into the new year, 2021, filled with strength, courage, and grace. Time has come to step into myself because … Revolution Begins With Me.

Namaste.

It’s About the Energy

A super hero lies within each and everyone of us!

It was obvious from birth I was different from most my age. Weighing at 9 lbs. 15 oz. and 23 inches long, I was a big new born.

Definitely not stopping there, I continued to grow, and didn’t stop until I was 5′ 9″ and 11 years old. (I won’t mention my weight, but it is the same as I weigh now.) Not remarkably tall for an adult woman, but awkwardly tall at that age.

It wasn’t only my height that set me apart though. It was my brain and the way it functioned, received, and processed data.

Aware I was always a visual learner, it wasn’t until adulthood and the birth of my oldest son that I really began to analyze the lenses I used to look at the world.

Knowing we were painfully similar at times, I began searching out answers to nurture his gifts at a really young age.

Energy…powers the world!
What type of energy will you contribute?

The word “energy” started presenting itself in many formats. One that would become a constant in my life as a mother, was “Your son is extremely high energy! He’s non-stop hyper. His mouth is never silent.”

Yes!! This was all quite accurate, but buried deep within that hyperactive, uniquely verbal, unsilencable tornado was a highly intelligent, profoundly gifted child. It became my mission to seek out ways for him to best be understood, and the other 3 children that followed as well.

In my early years, especially as a nurse, I had bought into the whole ADD/ADHD diagnosis. Now I know many of the psych diagnosis are only there to help Western medicine physicians categorize and medicate phenomenon that don’t make sense in this unnatural world.

Time, and critical nurse analysis, have caused me to come to the conclusion its not the individual that is “disordered,” its our society.

Our society is so out of balance with its natural order, that these children, and adults, who were born more tuned into their natural environment, are out of rhythm, out of sync with the false paradigm orchestrated around us.

I knew I was going against the grain back then, but I set out with a new intent. To raise my children so that society DOES NOT strip them of their spirit’s and the spiritual gifts bestowed upon them.

That conscious decision as a young adult has completely altered the way I look at life. I began to turn more inward, to my unique extraordinary self.

I DID see things differently, and having gone through a period where I had healed significant childhood scars, even more ENERGY was bestowed upon me.

It became my life’s high, seeking out opportunities where I could get that solid self-gratifying energy rush.

I knew a primary source was caring for others; my patients, their families, my children. People would ask how I could do what I did, give so freely from my heart, and my response was, “I do it for selfish reasons.” Because doing so makes me feel better.

Flash forward 30 years, and my initial discovery of “energy” has grown exponentially. Now it has other words I may use to describe it; chi, Prahna, Holy Spirit, ect. The life force that truly makes us human. The life force that is purposefully being drained from humanity. (But that’s a whole other article.)

Any more, at my age, absolutely everything I do, and all that I see is “energy” focused.

Decades ago, gradually leaving the world of 3-dimensional living, moving more directly into a 5-dimensional paradigm, with my visual acuity the strongest in the non-physical realms. Frequencies of higher consciousness that many might argue aren’t even real, I am capable of seeing as clear as any sun-filled day.

Consciously knowing that all I do is focused on cultivating and harvesting energy. In other words, living in the world of art and creativity. Whether its gardening, writing, crafting, nurturing a pet or family member, exercising. All that I do ends with the result of positive energy generated. And, in doing so, keeps me on a positive upward growth curve.

Knowingly, those skills and talents had been focused on my own self-healing, and that of my family for quite some time.

Last year, the first year to break that cycle. All “energy” generated was poured into my new creative sense of being, knowing my day to step up on a bigger platform was almost at hand.

The by-product of years of tending my fields for their best harvests paying off. There was nothing but bright lights and wide open spaces out in front of me.

I see this as no chance coincidence, the vision I had always shared with my sons, “We will be climbing above, when everyone else has fallen,” having come true. Though, never could I have imagined it so literally. Yet, I know God has prepared me for this time.

My Light within emitting more radiance than it ever has. The power of that energy just beginning to make itself known.

It’s all in the “Energy”. Staying aware of it, and moving it in the right direction. The time for me now … to take it over the top!

I know I have crazy talents lying dormant within me. The truth is, the majority of us do. The truth is the majority of us will never discover the great wealth we carry within because we’re so busy chasing material wealth, the novelties in 3-dimensional living.

A new paradigm has opened though. A new vision of the planet beginning to take shape. Each day more and more individuals waking up to that which has lied dormant within for a lifetime.

I move forward … my heart calm, my soul at peace, knowing inside me lies the power to change the world … and the drive to do so. I step out into the new year, 2021, filled with strength, courage, and grace. Time has come to step into myself because … Revolution Begins With Me.

Namaste.

Anxiety…Got Me On The Run!

The clock is ticking down to what is certain to be the epic climax, not only to what has been the most fabulous year for me personally, but also one of the most memorable moments for any mother.

My eldest son, and his fiancé, who live in Hollywood, (not in the profession-but perfect place for my one time thespian son to find himself) and whom I very seldom get to see, (going on three years now), have their rescheduled wedding planned for December 11th, in Excaret, Mexico.(Fingers crossed it doesn’t get cancelled again.)

I should be excited, overjoyed, elated, but instead, the last week I find myself each morning running from, at times, the most suffocating sensation of anxiety.

One time, never an emotion I ever even experienced, free spirit open and uninhibited to all challenges. After my six year “sentence,” otherwise known as my life in Oklahoma City, and all the stress and trauma that was inflicted, from the nursing profession, but also because of the issues and behaviors I was dealing with from my youngest son at the time, it became an immobilizing sentiment.

Fifteen years to heal and move past what I thought was all of it, clearing my psyche of so much negative baggage, these moments are taking me quite by surprise. Each moment, this sensation in the pit of my chest trying to choke me of life. Rob me of the enjoyment of anticipation.

I know this is the last go round though. I know once I make it through this, that chapter of my life will be closed forever. Moving on to much more beautiful and creative times, way beyond my wildest imagination.

The key now though, … is getting there.

A little more than three weeks to go! Departure date, December 9th, approaching quickly. Suitcase on the spare bed, already starting to be packed. I am trying to alleviate any last minute flare ups by being as prepared as I can be.

Once I’m there, I know it will be one of the most fabulous moments of my lifetime. Spent with my daughter, who is traveling with me, and one of my other sons and his girlfriend. The other son in the Navy, unable to get away. Five days with my family on the Gulf of Mexico, in the most glorious setting, participating in my eldest son’s wedding, sure to be magickal.

My primary goal at hand is to keep my nerves calm and my mind at ease. My plan of action, be at peace. Live in the moment.

I have made arrangements for care of all of the animals in our Oasis. Have plans to stay with my stepson and wife near the airport the night before. Checked and rechecked my flight schedule and baggage and covid restrictions. Everything that physically needs to be done is taken care of.

Beyond that, start my day with meditation and prayer.

Write every morning, either in my journal, or in my blog. Keeps my nerves calm.

Don’t place unnecessary expectations on myself. Do only that which absolutely needs to be done. Don’t procrastinate in doing it.

Eat as healthy and “clean” as I can. Which to me means no caffeine, (gave up my daily cup of coffee last week), cut out all sugar, and no alcohol. Also, drink my daily intake of water-at least 8 cups.

Pay attention to the world around me. And enjoy the beauty in nature. I type this as I watch two white tailed deer leaping up the hill behind my now bare Mystical Forest. There to perhaps remind me to be gentle and kind not only to others, but perhaps more importantly, to myself.

Exercise daily. Typically meaning to get to the gym to lift weights. But, yoga, and cardio are thrown in the mix as well. Usually everyday. Usually in a varied combination, including a walk through our Oasis when the weather is permissive.

Be creative. Do the things that bring me joy, whether it is cooking or cross-stitch, late fall garden work, decorating the house for the holidays. All the things that inspire and uplift.

In other words, Nurture my mind, body, and soul in all ways I know how.

This will pass, and on the other side, I will have grown stronger and my soul will be even more at peace. Best of all, I will be sitting on the white sandy beaches of southeast Mexico, thanking God for all the beautiful blessings be has bestowed upon me.

For I don’t need to be perfect. I am human, my range of emotions making it so. I will be as kind and as loving as I can be to all, most especially myself. For I know, life is one crazy magickal ride, and I need to make the most of it because … The Revolution Begins With Me.

Trust In The Plan

Spiritual Warriors Arise!

I’m not afraid to die. Especially not for my country.

A near death incident January 7th, 2005, I was given the option of crossing over, or staying on the planet, 100% committed to sharing my story and following God’s plan. I made my choice.

I had just turned 40, was the mother of 3 sons, the oldest a senior, the youngest in 3rd grade with a young life of severe behavior problems, and unknown to me, soon to be pregnant with my only daughter.

My life was in a million little pieces and I was suffering more pain than mentally, emotionally, and spiritually comprehensible.

I had already been through a lot. Divorce. Isolation from people who called themselves family. Becoming ill with what western medicine physicians called “chronic fatigue” (being a nurse and being tenacious I knew there was a different cause.) Later to learn and be treated for severe mercury poisoning by an alternative medicine DO. The suicide of my father, the only person in my life I could always count on, when I was 29 and finishing my last year of nursing school.

I was strong, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. and physically. Getting into body building at age 26 as a way to help eleviate the symptoms from my then undiagnosed heavy metal poisoning. I knew who I was and what I was made of.

So at this point, finding myself, the Phoenix, in ashes on the ground, I knew I could and I would rise stronger and more powerful than ever before. 100% certain of that because this time I let God do the leading.

I’ve spent the last 15 years healing my family, healing myself, and moving towards “THAT DAY”. “THAT DAY” when I would be asked to take the next steps to move out and share my message with the world.

Last year as my eldest 2 sons continued to impress me, not only with the success in their careers, (both finishing top of their class, going on to become engineers working in the computer/ technology world) but as strong confident men who gave back to the world around them. My youngest son, the one whose pre-kindergarten principal kicked him out of school and told me he “would be in an institution by the time he’s 15,” graduated from Navy bootcamp at the age of 23. Not just graduated though, but graduated top 3% out of over 1000 sailors. Proving not just to me, but most importantly to himself, what he is made of. (Having already had to jump through 6 months of hoops to even qualify for the Navy.)

I knew my time was at hand. My sons were all in amazing places. God was preparing me for my next steps. A fall and winter spent with glorious opportunities coming my way.

Then CoVid hit. And, as the rest of the country/ world went into a state of fear, a state of unrest, and panic, I continued to flourish. Knowing God had purposefully had me go through MY hard times so I would be ready for now.

The destruction of our country to a new level beginning in my home state of Minnesota. Parts of the rioting and burning happening near the hospital I used to work at.

A best friend, in the thick of the riots the first week as the local fire marshal and emergency Red Cross responder. Other friends living or working in the parts of the city being burned. All of it just confirming, MY time is near.

I had left the life of consumerism and avarice, returning to an “unplugged” version of living. And, I have been awake and watching the last 20 years as our country has been dismantled from the inside.

I have been waiting for THIS DAY because I knew it was coming. I sit in the solitude of my Oasis,, unaffected on a daily basis by what is happening out there, wondering how this will all play out.

For one thing is certain, we’re NEVER going back to what we were. The other thing that is certain, Americans’ lives are going to get a whole lot worse before they start to get better.

I sit in my Mystical Forest preparing for what is to come. Preparing to be “called” up to do my part to defend my country.

Hard times are here. Fortunately, I have had the foresight to raise and prepare my family on all levels. We are the warriors. And, I for one am ready to defend. Ready to die for my country because … The Revolution Begins With Me.

Next Steps … Manifesting

Creativity means removing the restraints that society and self have placed upon ones psyche. The fire to create comes from the soul. From a place of letting all that you are come to the surface to view in a beautiful previously unknown form..

Writing my 1st book, The Advocate, however, was somewhat of a different process. It was an undertaking of going deep within and dredging up horrific events, horrific unnecessary events I had witnessed as a nurse. And, facing the hideous demons and what had happened to my life while in a culture of darkness. Cathartic to write, to say the least.

A critical care nurse, and good at what I did, especially when it came to interaction with family and friends of my patients, typically sedated or unconscious and on ventilators because of severe illness or trauma. My gift was a connection with spirit, my patient’s spirits, an innate part of me I hadn’t analyzed at the time.

Writing this book became the time for me to connect with my spirit, and as someone who had gone through a traumatic event, to heal through the process.

The book finished over seven years ago. Having had secured an agent three years prior, directing me on how to really bring my story to life. Very sound advice I was given. She had stated it would be “the hardest thing you’ve ever done.” I knew that wasn’t true. Living it had been.

Once complete, I was left in an enormous liminal space. Not the person I was before I started the book, no idea who I was as it was finished. Left in countless little pieces. Unaware of what I was meant to become. Still uncertain now, but my feet have finally found solid ground.

My three sons, as young children, had lived through experiences that would make them more aware of themselves and the world around them as adults. Evolving into strong, solid individuals because they knew what it was like to be in dark times and survive. Coming out more confident and courageous than they could ever have imagined.

Climbing out of the darkness together, I had told them, “We will rise above as the rest of the world is falling.”

Aware my visions always came true, but sometimes in ways my mind, living on a physical plane, previously couldn’t comprehend. In March, when the corona virus shut down the planet, my family in the most solid place, as a whole unit, it had ever been, my words of over a decade ago struck me with great awe. I could never have imagined their meaning being so literal.

Our summer spent enjoying life more fully than we ever have, especially my young daughter and I. Making memories that will last a lifetime. Opportunities coming to us that had never been provided. All the while in between, enjoying the splendor we had spent the last 6 years creating in our country Oasis.

For me, it has been a year of celebration. A year of culmination of the decades of sacrifice and healing. A year of looking at all the pieces of self I had decided to salvage, and after placing them back together, marveling at what was created. In the end, becoming a year of returning to spirit (FINALLY).

My year’s “harvest” in. All the magnificent and glorious energy created over the months, it becomes time to return to reflection and inner contemplation.

With my daughter on track with her home school 9th grade year. I find myself asking, what are my “next steps”?

I know the answer. I knew it was coming. I began to sense it last fall. I had a very strong feeling a year ago now, “Your life will never ever be the same.” Living each moment fully. soaking it up, knowing tremendous evolution was underway.

The people who knew of my writing and my book, long ago tired of asking me when I was going to publish. My response always being, “Soon. I will know when the time is right.” Well, that time has finally come.

My “next steps” are presenting themselves. I know the process of what I need to do. Not because I’m proficient at publishing, but because I’ve gone through the blueprint once, realizing at the time that writing and publishing were two separate entities, and that at the time, I wasn’t ready. But, I have been preparing for this day mentally ever since.

Cognizant it is a process. A process that begins with one simple step. And as beautiful as the Universe is, that first simple step came to me in word form this morning from a fellow bloggers post.

“Take up one idea. Make that idea your life. Dream of it, think of it, Live on that idea. This is the way to success.”

My idea is to publish. It will come in baby steps and increments. But for certain, it will come. For the moment is now … and Now is for manifesting.

Life is too short … it’s time to turn visions into reality … for The Revolution Begins With Me.

Life’s Lessons Due to CoVid

Once we realized the corona virus was here to stay, and that masks were going to be mandatory, our 14 year old daughter, starting her 9th grade year, decided to be 100% homeschooled.

I agreed with her decision, already not overly excited about many dynamics within the public school system, watching first hand as a temporary employee since her start in kindergarten.. Most significantly, the direction of the curriculum and the decline in actual education. My oldest having started in public school over 25 years ago, it was an obvious alternative.

My life’s choices years ago, and the fact school wasn’t “in person”, meant I would be available for one on one instruction with her. Fascinating, in my mind, how the universe works, putting me in the position of teaching in the middle schools over the last several years. I feel I was prepped just for this moment.

I obtained a list of the curriculum she would have had in public school. With the help of her piano instructor who has homeschooled for the last several years, we were given a litany of the best home school options. We chose one we felt would give her the best well rounded and most organized learning.

Being in band, playing the French horn, we also made arrangements for her to have in home private lessons with a local band instructor, someone recommended as the top hornist from the instructors at the local state college.

Well aware her home school class schedule was more intense compared to what she would have had at public school, we knew it would mean commitment and self-discipline on both of our parts. I also knew she had the qualities within her to make this feasible, an end result to help prep her for college.

Having the flexibility at the very beginning of the year, we were allowed opportunities we would otherwise not have been granted. Come October though, it was time to find routine and get locked into a more daily schedule.

Frustration on both or our parts was confronted as we began the process. Her homeschool program setting out a specific daily schedule. One we both initially felt we needed to stay locked into, having a set school end date in mind.

Initially, I found myself getting overwhelmed. We had to repeat certain topics multiple times because the information wasn’t sinking in, especially when it came to French, a topic I studied years ago, but by far something I’m prolific in. Fortunately, we are blessed with a friend who is a middle school French teacher who has offered her help when it’s needed.

Somewhere through the course of this month though, the idea of “LETTING GO” started easing into my mind, well honestly, into my whole being.

Still releasing the bonds of a time in my life when I had to live in “survival mode”. Something many are just beginning to enter now, I know what that strong hold on self feels like. Extremely oppressive at times.

I’ve been working my way back to a place of equilibrium, having been an undertaking since my youngest son made it out of school six years ago.

The “Letting go” process gradually becoming more of a daily sensation. The “Just Be” mentality starting to take over.

We don’t have to get everything done in one day just because it’s on her agenda. We don’t have to keep pushing forward if she’s not grasping a subject. We CAN stop and take time to make sure she really understands what she is being taught. Or, better yet, stop just to enjoy a rare moment in life.

Funny thing, as I find myself becoming more relaxed about teaching, and the pace we take, although she’s still a teen and grumbles at times about having to do school work, I find her enjoying the time we spend together, learning much more. There’s more laughter, more creative and diverse discussions. I’m sensing this is only the beginning.

We do have a rare opportunity, not saying there’s not huge financial sacrifices, but that’s not new. I/we have been making those since I decided to leave the nursing profession almost 20 years ago.

My priority is my children. And each and every one has taught me valuable lessons. Because I was not locked into the daily grind of a career, I have been able to really focus on the value of what each one of them brings. Truly making my life rich and rewarding, something money can’t buy.

As my years of parenting adolescent children nears its end, I am poised to learn what my sole daughter has to teach me, as I watch her grow into the beautiful woman she is meant to become.

My bottom line take away lesson…Life is short. Each and every moment is so very precious. I have four more years left with my daughter, and an intention to “Let go” of any preconceived ideas. I plan to live in the moment and make those years our very best.

Great change in our country is inevitable. It’s already happening. I’m the one who decides what my life becomes in the process. For me there only is one option and that’s to live in the moment … for the Revolution Begins With Me.

Keeping My Sanity

215

Feeling more like a rant on a final winter break day. A release of tensions that I hold within. Thirty-three years of what has amounted to mostly single-parenting of children under the age of 18, with 4 more to go before my youngest graduates.

The six years in between marriages, before starting over with a second husband and a brand new baby at age 41, the most draining and damaging to my psyche. A time when I was to enter an extremely Dark Night of the Soul.

A time I would eventually come to realize I had to live through, to help me understand what it is that allows me to truly preserve my mental sanity and inner being.

To focus now on what works, what helps me nourish myself, and keeps me recharged so I can pick up and move further down the road.

There is absolutely no way I could have done what I have done, first and foremost, without exercise and a healthy organic diet as a way of life.

When my youngest son was two, I started exercising (31 years ago). Never an active or athletic person as a child. Quite the opposite. Food was my comfort back then. It also was my nemesis.

The way I felt in my youth, taught me as a mother exactly how I did not want to feel. So, a move to the country, and my best friend’s wedding on the horizon, the beginning of a new life style originated.

Four years later, after the birth of my second son, helping me to deal with ongoing illness, bodybuilding entered my life. It was during this period that I really had an opportunity to look a bit deeper into my psyche and get to know me as a person.

Sudden immense grief, dealing with my father’s suicide at the age of 30, and getting through my final semester of nursing school in college, bodybuilding sustained me.

It is a life I have known ever since. Exposed to a deeper part of myself, a part foreign to most, especially back in the day. Back before organic eating was a thing. Back before the fitness craze really began to take off. Back before major egos were as deeply instilled in the American way of life, I discovered a sense of me.

A sense of me, that began as a young woman of 26. I would fight tooth and nail to hang on to her … and then to retain … when the dark forces won out and finally completely took me down.

Rebuilding that person, regaining that spirit, I knew I would rise bigger and stronger, for that is how we are created. “What doesn’t kill us, will only make us stronger.” My children my driving force, possessing a strong awareness of their psyches, I knew they needed to make it to solid ground before I finally would.

Big deep sigh of relief last year as my “baby boy” age 23, my biggest challenge, and grandest reward, would let me know he had finally made it. Digging into his deeper sense of self and joining the United States Navy. Not an easy task, as his choices and personal history through high school would continue to haunt him.

With each monumental success he found last year though, I found more and more of myself back. Healing and recovering that person I had so long ago met. Her, but then so much more, for I could never go back to the person I had been. It was more a matter of completely, consciously rebuilding and keeping the pieces and parts that worked.

Exercise, fitness, lifting, yoga, and clean healthy eating the ultimate, but not only key, for me opening my door to new found success.

Now, with the dawn of a new year, I begin with an exhausted, but renewed sense of direction. Trying to keep balance and focus as I look out on a brand new horizon, and wonder how life, my life, no longer sculpted out for me by others, will begin to manifest itself.

I don’t need answers now. I just need to know I am finally back. Back on the right road, and this time I have three strong, confident men (no longer boys) and a beautiful young daughter who will provide me strength along the way. Negative energy left behind.

I will rant on paper, or computer, and I will release my frustration and tension through my workouts, surrounded by the people that build me up.

I have reclaimed my sense of self, never to be lost again. That doesn’t mean that every day I will feel energized and amazing, but it does mean that I have won.

I have taken on the darkness and survived, for that is who I am, a fighter, a healer, a tenacious free-spirit. One that will from here on out keep her eyes focused forward and learn from her mistakes. Sitting and resting when I need to. Picking up the pieces and moving forward when ready.

I know I have made it … for the Revolution Begins With Me.